Breaking the Cycle

At least once a week some absent-minded driver nearly hits me on my bike. Vigilance and luck have allowed me to narrowly avoid all the close calls. Still, it’s scary every. damn. time. And that fear is POWERFUL. It drives me to yell things that never cross my lips when I’m walking on two feet. I make judgment calls about their intelligence. I scream insults about their moral character. Sometimes, I even yell about things they may do to their mothers. Honestly, if I kept rocks handy, broken windshields would abound and I’d probably be behind bars. When this fear-fueled anger takes over me, I’m no longer the human I strive to be.

This is fight-flight in action. My perception that these drivers are trying to harm me drives me to roar my fiercest roar. And then I look into their faces and most of the time, they give me an earnest shrug and wave and eyes that say “oopsy-daisy, almost killed ya. Sorry about that.”

99% of the time these people are not trying to hurt me. They’re just living their lives, focused on something else. Experiences like these give me compassion for the ways fear fuels the anger of others.

When we have family, friends, teachers, religious leaders and media of all kinds telling us since childhood that certain people are trying to harm us or our way of life—it’s understandable to fear those people. It understandable to respond with anger when we feel threatened.

Some of us were lucky enough to be in an environment that mainly taught us to give love, respect, and understanding to ourselves, to the planet, and all who live here. And some of us were taught to mainly fear and distrust all those who don’t look, think, pray, or act like. Or even fear empowering those who just have less resources and status. Most of us were taught a little of both, if we’re being honest with ourselves. And no religion or political ideology is exempt from that.

My point is those who push for policies that harm people who are non-white immigrants, people capable of child-bearing, people of color, people who are LGBTQ, people with lower income, people who are unionized, the environment itself— it’s because they are terrified that when we finally have power, we’ll use it to harm them the way they’ve been harming us for centuries.

And the only way to help people become less scared is by setting the example, encouraging everyone to question beliefs, expose ourselves to new thoughts, new experiences, new people— expanding our understanding of ourselves and each other.

It’s important to continually expose ourselves to ideas and beliefs that are different from our own. While actually talking to a person tends to be the best way for us to really gain clarity on another perspective. Reading books, well thought out articles, and listening to podcasts and documentaries can be just as enlightening. It doesn’t mean we have to adopt their beliefs. It just means we’re brave enough to consider them. And it’s especially helpful to consider what experiences a person went through in order to have their current outlook.

If someone is pushing “facts” that aren’t evidence based. Or trying to justify violence and injustices — no one’s going to convince me that they’re right. But I’m willing to try to understand the circumstances, the confusion, the anger, the fear, the pain that can lead someone to come to certain conclusions or to want to cause harm.

One thing I’m damn sure of is that yelling at them, being condescending, or alienating them isn’t going to change their view point. But respecting their humanity and communicating my perspective in a way that they can understand me, might. It’s at least worth a try. But you know, that’s my perspective.

We often aren’t fond of questioning our own truths. But somewhere deep inside we do know that most things fall somewhere in the middle. In contentious debates, I have to remind myself that I know the teeniest of a tiny fraction of all there is to know. Someone else’s understandings have some truth for them. My understandings have flaws and blind spots, as do theirs.

When someone has a belief that I think could lead to dangerous actions, I speak up. But I also think it’s important to take the time to imagine what could possibly be going on in someone's else's life and what has happened to them in their pasts for them to have this perspective. Maybe even ask those tough questions. I don't think any of us should just take abuse--physically or mentally-- but no one, no group is worth making space in our hearts for hate. That's just too heavy a burden to carry.

We’re here to shed light in places that are dim. We all come to our understandings from different angles and the more we illuminate our perspectives, the more we all get to see the bigger picture.

It all comes down to this: we can’t let fear—or the anger that comes from it—drive our actions. Just like those drivers on the road, most of us aren’t out to harm each other; we’re just trying to navigate a world that feels increasingly divided and uncertain. But when we respond to fear with anger, when we let our misunderstandings fester and grow, it doesn’t help anyone. It only reinforces the cycle.

I try to remind myself that, much like when I’m on my bike, we’re all just doing our best to get through the day. Sometimes we misstep, sometimes we don’t see each other, sometimes we’re just too caught up in our own worries to notice the others around us. But if I can pause—if I can take a breath before letting my fear dictate my actions—I respond with something other than aggression. Usually it sounds something like “thanks for not killing me!” and I shoot them the peace sign.

We don’t have to agree with every belief, but we do need to try to understand where others are coming from. If we want to live in a world where we can all coexist, where we can all feel safe and respected, it starts with us. We’re the ones who have the keys to unlock the possibility of better conversations, of greater empathy, and of building a world that works for all of us—not just the ones who look, think, or live like us.

So, while fear might be a powerful driver, my hope is that we don’t let it be the one behind the wheel. May we take control and choose to respond with compassion, understanding, and a willingness to bridge the gaps that divide us. That’s the only way to stop the cycle and move forward together. And if we can do that, maybe we’ll all get where we need to go a little more safely—and a lot more peacefully.

<3 <3 <3