How many important conversations have you put off for just the right time? What have you been waiting for?
For the other person to bring it up first?
To feel brave enough?
To have the perfect words?
For a sign from above?
We all do it on some level. It's hardwired into our genetic makeup as a method of survival. Avoiding or delaying those hard conversations for just the right moment is our attempt to protect our hearts and the hearts of others from possible pain or discomfort. But who’s to say that avoiding the subject isn’t causing more suffering in the relationship? That riff in connection hurts. We can sometimes distract ourselves from focusing on that duller, prolonged pain but it’s still there and it festers.
If it’s on our minds but feels too scary to utter, it still needs to get expressed one way or another. Write it down. Say it to an animal or a tree. Paint it. Compose a song. Dance it out. When expressed, thoughts and feelings cast spells and put things into motion that could change the trajectory of our lives for good. That’s why it’s important to get clear with ourselves. What is on our hearts? What is on our minds? What are our fears? What our hopes and dreams? Whatever it is, it’s okay that we feel it. And it'll be easier to talk about once we've talked it through with ourselves.
Even when we're trying our best to speak the truth with loving intentions, we don’t get to choose how the other person/people will respond. The ball is in their court now and we’re no longer burdened holding that weight alone. What ever the response, it’s better we know now and move from there than fearfully holding it in and always wondering. Our loved ones deserve the respect of knowing the truth. And we deserve the self-respect of speaking the truth.
The Truth is...
There is no such thing as a “perfect time”. There are no “perfect words”. There is just the best we can do. There are better times to have those deep discussions like when we’ve carved out quiet space, without distractions and all parties can be present without a pressing event on the near schedule. There are words that describe what we’re feeling and what we’re needing that don’t blame or shame others or ourselves. There are methods for holding space for the other to respond without being defensive or cruel.
Sometimes we need a mediator to be witness to the conversation to help us stay on track and aligned to our values.
You may never feel more brave than you do right now. If you’re waiting for a sign, here it is: GO FOR IT.
Whatever happens, it’ll be okay. You will make it through with peace in your heart.
If you're looking for someone to process with before you have these tough conversations or someone to be the mediator, I'd be honored to offer my services.